Sunday, October 26, 2014

SUCK IT AND SEE



I’m not sure how to begin; I’m pretty new here. I’m hazarding a guess that starting off with some reasons as to why I, and not Irina, am the one writing this entry would be a good start.

This is a response to Irina’s blogpost about second love. She is my second love as well, which is pretty much a sweet slice of serendipity (this is my favourite word in the world, FYI) when I think about it. Truth be told, I wish she was my first love, because that would mean that up till this point, my love life would pretty much have been clean, cool and smooth sailing. C'est la vie.

First, maybe some background information about me (although not too much, this isn’t a personal expository article). I’m 21 and thus, two whole calendars behind Irina. The age doesn’t bug me at all though. At the start, dating an older woman can be an entirely scary prospect and I still remember being gripped by an overwhelming anxiety each time I opened my mouth to speak to her. 

“What if she thinks I’m a small boy? Is my world-view mature enough to capture her attention or is it going to bore her to tears?”

But as time wore on, things just began to flow naturally. Nowadays, I don’t even really have to care or think about what I say to her. Nonsense just streams from my mouth and I don’t have to filter my thoughts. The outcome is pure bliss. It’s good to see your partner for what they truly are and not as a number. To be completely honest? It’s also pretty fantastic dating an older woman. She’s in control, she’s mature enough and she’s strong— things I didn’t suspect I would find myself attracted to at first but which now I find irresistible components of the her magnetism that grip me and refuse to let go. 

(Funny digression - I’m writing this while Facetime-audioing Irina and she assumes that my fervent typing was me summing up my economics notes. Far from the fact, love — I never type so purposefully unless its about a topic I’m really passionate about: in this case, You.) (I am passionate about economics though. Hm.) 

Right now, I am studying in Oxford University and doing Economics and Management. I one day hope to sell my soul for money (I’ve said this joke so many times that I’m beginning to suspect there’s some truth underlying the punchline). I am exactly 10924.916 KM away from her, which sucks most of the time. Well, all the time. But its good because she keeps me sane, stable and satisfied with what my lot in life is right now. The workload is abysmally tough, the weather cold and without her, I think I would be pretty depressed right now. But the prospect of seeing her again in exactly 42 days (at the time of this writing), of coming home after class each day, calling her up and finally hearing her gentle voice is what has been getting me through these cold days and colder nights. 

She has this way…. with words. Her words are pretty simple (she complains that I’m unnecessarily pretentious with my choice of vocabulary) but yet they have a… calming effect. She chooses the right words at the right time. She knows exactly what to say when my mood dips to cheer me up. She also doesn’t hesitate to scold some sense into me when I’m behaving like a brat, which makes her a truly impeccable girlfriend (I assure you, there’s not a single trace of sarcasm there. If you have a girlfriend who knows how to discipline you and in the process make you realise you’re actually quite the little shit, she’s a keeper). So yeah, I get to hear from her almost daily. If you look at the math, sound travels at 340.29 m/s. 


So, 10924.916 KM isn’t that far after all. 

So steering this back on track, what’s second love like? It makes everything right. It closes the wounds you’ve had inside of you. It makes you feel like you are worth the love that you had previously thought you weren’t deserving of. Recently, I’ve learned an axiom of life from a friend here in Oxford, and her words made quite a lot of sense:

“There’s a lot of reason to question things in life. Like, you just wake up and realise, why am I? There’s a lot of things that we cant understand as of yet and probably will never understand. The only probable truth in life is Love.”

I paraphrase of course.

So yes, second love is better than the first. Falling in love the first time is easy. But giving it away to someone again, after the first heartbreak, is something that requires a conscious decision. It takes a lot of courage and it requires you to trust the person. Before love comes trust. You know what it is like to be crushed and smashed and ground into an interminable oblivion. You trust that this person, as you place your trembling heart in her hand, will handle it with the utmost care and delicacy. That she’ll hold it both tightly and gently at the same time—she won’t let you fall and she won’t hurt you. That she understands the profundity of the exchange that is taking place. 

I’m not religious (I try to be but haven’t found the right time nor place), but falling for a second time has taught me that God’s greatest gift to us is our ability to love. Love is powerful; it is the thread that holds the entire tapestry of our being. Thus, something so sacred must surely be the divine handiwork of some celestial being. That means that no one else has the ability, means or right to take it away from us. This gift is ours and ours alone and we will never lose our ability to exercise our love. It is our choice. We and we alone make our own decision to love. I seriously doubted my capacity to love anyone again after my first breakup, but Irina stirs something deep inside me. I took the plunge, and I am the happiest man in the world right now (except when I’m drowning in a 200 page management reading list) because of that. 

I love Irina and I wish she was my first love. I would have loved (am I overusing this word? My essay tutor told us to cut down on repetition, maybe I should thesaurus it. But then agin, there’s no substitute for a word that’s both a beautiful noun and verb) to discover what holding hands, having a first kiss, falling asleep together and so much more felt like with Irina. But the what's past has past and there’s no point looking back when the road ahead is long and the scenery beautiful. The future is bright, especially with her by my side. 

42 more days. Fall be kind.

Yi Ming.







Tuesday, October 21, 2014

FOOD FOR THOUGHT ON TUESDAY



I saw this on tumblr and I thought, it's magically on point. 
This is an old poem by Neruda, and one of the first lines goes like, 
"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."




Friday, October 17, 2014

SUBSEQUENT LOVE MIGHT JUST BE BETTER THAN PREVIOUS


So how do I do this again? How do I start an entry without sounding too abrupt?

Maybe for starters..... a short confirmation that Irina is still Irina. She still stands by the principles she believes in. Bruised with life experiences from the past month(s), her views might be much broader now with more varied perspectives.

And before I fill you guys with updates, I just have to point out how incredible you guys truly are. I'm more than impressed by how patient you guys have been, so so understanding and supportive with my hiatus. I'm actually proud that my readers embody such attractive qualities. Simply brilliant human species. Thank you.


Yoohoo, I'm Attached!



Haha. Yes. Unexpected. This news shouldn't be new to you if you've been following my updates on Instagram and read the previous entry. I just want to make it official and thought it'd be nice to share this with y'all. Ain't too sure what to disclose at the moment and where to start, so let's just talk about the elephant in the room: my new relationship status. I've been penning my thoughts here since forever; significantly more personal from the time I found my first love to the time it ended. And here's to second love.


Many say second love triumphs the first. I can't vouch for that yet, but I can see why it can be true. Disclaimer: I'm not imposing my reflections on you guys nor am I implying that the assumptions I made are applicable to everyone but I'm just trying to make a point that if I, the smashed, the tragically imperfect and the skeptic at love could have another go at it again after the damage I experienced from previous relationship, second love could make you feel like anything is in fact, possible. 

It feels a lot more real, a lot less pretentious. I'm not insinuating that it was previously but you know how girls (and guys too!!) are like with the ideals they have in their head. A lot of time guys and girls unknowingly drown each other with their own set of unrealistic expectations and the relationship evolves to become.... something else. Going back to real, I had the thought of keeping this relationship entirely to myself without broadcasting it to the world. If you've been a long-time Irina reader, you'd have realised how much I've cut down on the mushy posts. I thought what potentially spurred me on previously could be the pressure from people. "If they think we can make it, maybe we can and we should stay together" without realising human tendency in comparing their insides to people's outsides. What's on social media is merely a choice of depiction. Now, without your head waaaay up in the air after having a better understanding of what fits in a relationship, you stay rooted and clearer - a lot more aware and in control of the situation and yourself. 


Second love will test your tolerance for change. It feels a little like getting onto bicycle after not riding for years. You'd feel rather shaky and very unsure of your own ability. After all, you were told that you were the defective one in the relationship. How should/would you react to this new pair of hands that's gonna keep you safe? Would the slight differences matter or are they too jarring for your comfort? The size of the palm. The lines on the palm. The texture of the skin. The temperature of the hand. The intensity of the grip. Loving an unfamiliar body might leave you feeling disorientated for a while. Aaaaaaaaand of course, you'd get over it. Loving someone is like riding bicycle; a skill you'll never forget. You'll eventually learn and get used to the quirks of the other and try to embrace them all. Slowly, you'd realise how amazing you are to be so accepting towards the different people you love and loved at the various phases of your life and how that's a reflection of your personal growth. 


He's over at UK pursuing his degree now. I'm dealing with something I never thought I would. I guess that's what love does. It pushes boundaries, and that includes getting you waaay out of your comfort zone. I wouldn't say long distance relationships are the best thing ever but you learn a few new things besides getting better with Skype or FaceTime features. You learn how to fight. Fights where you can't slam the door or tune the other person out or deal with it later - you've to communicate effectively because all you've got is silence on the other end that stretches into sorrys. Through the heartbreaking process, you will also learn to fight back the tears during late night webcam sessions because all you can think about is the countdown that only seems to get longer with time. 


What I am trying to get at is ultimately, your subsequent love might just be better than the previous. It doesn't matter what's lost; what matters is how brave you're to have had love and able to love again after the heartbreak. Others do not define your ability to love. You, only you do. 
And that's a pretty powerful thing. 


7th December. 
Can't wait to see your face at the Arrival Hall.




Goodnight.


Saturday, August 23, 2014

HIATUS





Hi guys, I guess I'm back (briefly) from the unannounced short break I decided to take. This is just a really quiet comeback. For those who're still checking this space, I am extremely grateful for your loyalty. It does feel a little weird to be writing again, after being liberated from this space for awhile. I've been fine-tuned to pen academic research papers, hence I might sound a little distant. Adjusting the writing appeal from factual to emotional feels a little unfamiliar right now, I'm getting rusty haha.

School was rough. If you hadn't known, I'm currently doing University of Buffalo's Bachelor Degree in Mass Communications in SIM. Many gave off the impression that breezing through SIM is very much possible because it's easy but in all seriousness, no. I honestly don't think it is anything like what is stereotyped, well, at least not for my course. With the experience from prior tertiary education in Ngee Ann poly, I still don't think it's thaaat easy. Or maybe I'm just hard on myself. I want to do well. School weighs a significant lot of importance than many other things in my life.

School break started on the 14th and the new semester will begin on the 25th. That's.... in 2 days time. I am not looking forward it at all. The stress accumulated from previous semester hasn't dissolved entirely. I'm only half-charged and yet, I've to go at it again (?!)

This break, I went back to Bangkok (my favourite escapade) again. This time, with Yi Ming, someone I'd (maybe soon) introduce to you guys. And did a lot catching up with precious friends over the past few days since my return. It is true what they say, time gap don't exist between true friends. Naturally, you pick up where you left off.

Alright, I shall stop here now. I'm still getting used to this; connecting to you guys all over again. Gonna get some rest and have a blast at Shamo's birthday party tmr! Look forward to my insta posts yeh, the employment of my least awkward medium heh heh.

I sincerely hope you guys have been well while I was away.


Saturday, July 12, 2014

TICKINTORQUE


Advertorial


Wood-watch! How cool is that?
Never a watch-person but Ticktorque's self-manufactured watch complements most of my outfits so well with its neutral and earthy colours, I love wearing it as an accessory (cause my ultimate clock is still my phone). Besides all the good stuff like how it is made with real bamboo wood and genuine leather, Tickintorque provides engraving services on their leather strap - yes, so personalised!!!

With that said and all superstitions aside, I think Tickintorque's watches make a real good gift for friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/loved ones *yipee*



Friday, July 04, 2014

IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY


Today, I've something good to share!!! The wonderful Essensuals Bugis has decided to thank the people around them for their continuous support and that includes YOU. They'll be rewarding ANY three of you (who's currently reading this) to win absolutely attractive prizes!!!!!!!

First of all, lemme go about talking a little about my over exaggerated hair transformation.

Yes, I.... in the salon made a mountain out of molehill. I asked Glenn, my stylist so many questions filled with fear and paranoid simply because I've NEVER gotten out of comfort zone or actually never gotten anywhere with my hair. For all the time I've visited Essensuals Bugis, it's so typical of me to colour brown - according to Glenn, I've covered all shades of brown in the colour sample book hahahahaha. 

Why wasn't I adventurous with my hair? 

1. I had to seek permission for hair plans
Yes. Permission. Being contracted to an agency means surrendering your being to management. Hair is the crowning glory of a woman so it's an essential tool to clinching jobs. Any self-modification changes has to go through the agency for approval. This is detrimental because..... for instance, client has always known that model for her brown hair and just nice she fits the next shoot they're planning for. Client calls agency up and books the models. Model shows up in red or different coloured hair. Client would FLIP. First, this reflects poorly on the agency's reputation. Second, obvious poor communication between model and agency. Third, utterly unprofessional. 

If there's any drastic change in terms of hair i.e. the length, new photos have to be taken to update portfolio and composite card (something like a model's name card). It's a lot of trouble just for hair therefore we usually need to consult our agents before making any hair plans. And I'm so used to my hair being under the control of my agency, it's never occurred to me to do anything drastic in terms of colour as it'll cost me my jobs. The time I cut my hair short (above shoulder length), was a decision/suggestion from someone notable in the industry. For something I've never learnt to make decisions for and calling my own shot on it now, it's like baby birds learning how to fly.

2. My hair was not healthy to begin with
From all the shows and work I've done, constant hairspray, teasing, direct heat contact etc., my hair is definitely not in the state where I can afford any more damage....... till Essensuals Bugis nursed it back to health hehehee :') 

3. Most clients ain't adventurous
If I'm an European girl with a coloured hair, many would perceive me as cool and praise me for my individualistic character. However, being an Asian doesn't give me that sort of advantage and I'm pretty sure having colored hair equates to not getting runway/high fashion jobs.



Why the sudden change in decision?
I'm quitting my agency. With school and everything going on, I rather call my own shot and manage my own erratic schedule. Having control of what I can do and what I cannot do, just feels more comforting. Of course it is tougher also to handle everything myself now, since I'm used to having people doing it for me. Though so, I feel a lot more carefree right now despite the weights on my shoulders.... like my body and being now belongs to me. And, I do not have to care about my measurements as much as before.


This subtle green, to me, signifies the rebellion towards the system and new-found freedom. 

NOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU GUYS TO HAVE YOUR OWN SPECIAL HAIR TRANSFORMATION!!!!!!

We would love you gift you with:
1. $30 worth Essensuals Bugis vouchers
2. Professional hair care & styling products
3. Membership card!!!

How to take part:
1. Simply complete this sentence, "I love Essensuals Bugis because....." below with an email for us to contact you (remember to be outstanding!)
OR 2. You can simply tag us (@essensualsbugis and @irinatyt) in any of your Instagram photos! Caption to complete the sentence #loveessensualsbugis because..... otherwise it's invalid! 
3. ALL ENTRIES SHOULD BE IN BY THIS WEEK! So hurry hurry guys~



LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR GLORIOUS & HEALTHIER "CROWN" HEHEHE!


Wednesday, July 02, 2014

SOMETHING OFF MY CHEST




I take time off to blog because I think it's imperative for you guys to understand the recent change in my lifestyle to avoid any further misunderstandings in future:

1. My Schedule is Madness

I can barely breathe. Not kidding. If you've been following me closely on Instagram, you would have known my tests ended few weeks back and guess what? Next week, there will be another wave of tests. I'm sooo.... drained. On weekends, I barely have time for myself anymore. To juggle school, work, family, friends and miscellaneous activities is simply not easy. I really would like to cut down on my work frequency. Currently working 2-3 days per week; allowing work to suck remaining of my soul, leaving none for revision when I get home. Me being me, I often feel bad rejecting gigs; knowing that they need me for the launch of next collection. I clearly need to learn how to say no.


2. I Am Not Perfect

Finally encountered my first conflict with a client when it comes to dealing with adverts. I've met really really (I wish I can stress enough how nice they are) online store owners whom have shown me ample amount of mercy, understanding and empathy towards my crazy schedule: Joyce from Its Hatched and Clara from TickinTorque. They're the best, really.

I was supposed to meet an advert deadline last Sunday but I didn't; simply because I was so overwhelmed with assignments and personal affairs. I packed my apology with sincerity and remorse and the response I received was of a huge contrast to the usuals. I was rather surprised by the retaliation of unprofessionalism. I understand that it is only right to be angry at an irresponsible influencer who didn't deliver what she's supposed to but ultimately, for someone who's running a business and also a fellow human, it wouldn't hurt to show some empathy and practice interpersonal skill to maintain good relationship for the health of the brand she's representing. If I could, I would have delivered the photos for the advert. Why would I stall on purpose? I was so busy I didn't even have the time to open up the goddamn parcel. All in all, I'm very much engulfed with guilt. I refunded the money because I couldn't stand wallowing in such unnecessary stress. 

For a collaboration to be a success, a healthy working relationship is very much needed.


3. School is Top Priority

As of now, if you would like to engage any form of my service, please understand that school will definitely triumph over anything else (except personal emergencies). I could have declined gigs but maybe, the ambitious and the willingness in me to help overestimated my competency in time management. Do not, let me reemphasise, do not approach me if you need whatever required to be done in a hurry or by specific deadline.



Ok. I've said it all out here. Black and white. Take your own risk, guys.
Irina, back to Psychology revision.






Monday, June 23, 2014

PROLOGUE



I wish I had a someone who would observe me silently, who would capture all my habits and quirks, and still love me. Someone that would get lost in how my fine features define my face, while smiling or crying, and still love me.
— Elay Neal Moses




This foreign yet once familiar set of feelings I am about to allow into my system, I contemplate. I am afraid. The way my eyes linger on you got me a little worried. How much am I supposed to let myself go; to fall. Also at what speed is considered safe for the protection of my heart; in the case of emergency retreat?

Most importantly, are you going to be responsible for my feelings?



Thursday, June 12, 2014

SINGAPORE KINDNESS MOVEMENT

Paid Ad


Hey guys, here's briefly what I did the Friday before, 30th May:


Yes, I attended my very first event as a blogger. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and I'm not saying it because I have to be pretentious in this paid ad but seriously, I learnt more than I think I would... Who knew we actually celebrate Singapore's Kindness Day annually? It's quite an experience to be contained in a place where everyone wishes the same for the world, to be a better place with kinder souls. 


With this year's "A Nation of Kindness starts with ONE" as the theme, Singapore Kindness Movement aims to encourage the innately kind Singaporeans to step out of their comfort zone to do good. Fear no judgment and judge no one in return. We are often afraid to be seen as a busybody because of our parents' lingering advice: Don't be kaypoh (nosey)! The repercussion of parents' effort in teaching us to be street smart unknowingly caused an immeasurable amount of wariness and skepticism in us towards people, fearing any possible ill-intentions.

Instead, let's lower our guards. Let's help whoever ever in need, for you'll never know when your family members might need help from strangers too. Help a granny to cross the road, for someone might do the same for yours. Give up seat to someone who needs it more, for they might do good for your loved ones too someday.

(this is one hella tear-jerking commercial)

The event was held at Shanghai Dolly, Clarke Quay. I wasn't expecting much but it turned out way better than I expected! The turnout was fantastic! In fact, I struggled for a while looking for seats ha ha. The crowd was enthusiastic. Their energy level was high, which was very much further amplified by the performers later on.

I've heard so much about Hossan Leong and Dim Sum Dollies but I've never actually seen their performance live. Thanks to Kindness Day SG, I've finally got a glimpse of how good they really are at what they do!!! They cracked us up so bad with their naughty and cheeky jokes! I've included snippets of the highlights in the video above but yknow... video is a video, it's always different to catch a performance live. If you haven't watched them live, I urge you to. If you love dirty jokes, Dim Sum Dollies is a must *wink wink*

Sidetrack: Irina doesn't own a proper camera which explains the low-res video and photos in this entry due to the surrounding's unfavourable low light exposure. Now I'm toying with the idea of a new camera hmm....... so tempting
The pretty little yellow gerbera daisy we had on us symbolizes our appreciation towards kindness we've received

Being kind doesn't entirely revolve around charity and monetary contribution to organisations but you proactively doing good in a small scale. Let's not look at the big picture. Think small. A hello. A smile. A little gesture to make someone's day better. The current act of kindness I'm paying (rather close) attention to is this mysterious movement by #loveothers14. These secretive anonymous angels behind the hashtag have been going around doing good and making people's day. Here are a few of examples of what they did:



Be a part of goodness by #kindnessdaysg and #nationofkindness in relation to any kind acts witnessed/experienced
Like Singapore Kindness Movement on Facebook or follow @kindnessSG on Twitter to receive more updates on everyday goodness now!!!



All in all, let's just take care of each other
*hugs*



Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I'M TIRED



I've exactly one week to study before my two papers next week. I just bought a new Epson printer and wasted a good four hours tryna figure how it works and still, it only prints blank pages (fucking lil' shit). I am currently still mad pissed. I know I won't be able to absorb anything from the textbook so I decided to write a little something here even if it doesn't make sense.

I hate how a simple event could easily trigger my entire system to feel so awful altogether. It's probably accumulated from The Fault is in Our Stars. I'm not a fan of that movie, really. It awoken too many unwanted dormant feelings and I've no idea how to deal with them. So they remain suppressed. I wish I bawled like a child in the cinema like how some girls did but instead, I stared intently at the screen hoping for a better ending.

I don't know where I'm going with this but yeah... I'm gonna get some rest now. Hope your day was better than mine. Goodnight.



P.S The comments on the previous entry, I promise I'll get to them when I have the time to


Friday, May 30, 2014

BOOB-TALK


The title intrigues you, isn't it? Because, sex always sells.

Yes, out of nowhere today, I have decided to talk about breasts. It's not an advert but just a little rant that's been on my mind. I usually discuss about the common emotional insecurities we often have but never the physical. Despite being heavily-influenced by media, I want to allow myself to see the beauty in every human being. I wish my brain will not be so quick to detect and specifically pick out the features deemed beautiful for me because of the media it's been fed with, instead let my eyes discover the beauty itself. I am not a fan of how we've been wired to selectively pick what's beautiful and what's not since young, by the things we see on television, magazine, billboards and the people around us. In short, we've "brainwashed". 

Just like any other normal girls, there are days when I'd compare my body to someone else's. There are just days when I don't feel too good about myself either. No one, I'm 100% sure, no one feels completely sure about themselves anyway and that's the truth about life. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only one worrying about your insecurities. I too, worry about them. And that's okay. Facing each's own set of insecurities is just like having the need to cry. You have to let it all out. You need to acknowledge what you think is ugly and embrace them. If you can't make peace with your own flaws, you'll never feel comfortable about yourself.


I like lean and slender body with small classy breasts like the ones I own but media and people often make me feel otherwise. Sometimes I wish I'm not born Asian just so I can embrace my body better than I can as an Asian. In my very humble opinion, just like how Marilyn Monroe is regarded as the sex symbol because she's fuller and curvaceous, Kate Moss or any other woman of the same size should also carry the symbol of free-spirit and liberation. I like lean and slender bodies with small classy breasts because I've been told beautiful things don't seek for attention -quoted from Secret Life of Walter Mitty.


Then again, studies have shown how humans tend to find their own or people whom they love facial/body features more appealing than others. One of the plausible explanations for is that our brains naturally register the constant exposure we have to these features hence we find them aesthetically comforting to look at. Like how certain food reminds us of home and that is how it is for features too. Aaaaand possibly because of that, I tend to view women of my category much more appealing than others because I wish for my beauty to be recognised too.

I wanna feel okay being Kate Moss because people tend to prefer Angelina Jolie anyway. I love both of them to death but I hate how they both stand for two very different definition of beauty. I love my body but having to deal with the thought of convincing/hoping someone would love me or my body as much as I do is hard. The society has made most men obey this particular set of women perfection ideals since young. Sometimes straying from those ideals or being a little different, could easily make women be seen less.

So if you're wondering what's one of my insecurities among the many other, it would be -wanting to feel okay being Kate Moss but at the same time, I wish I am born Angelina Jolie to feel like more of a woman in this society. I'm just torn between these two beauty ideologies. And because there's no right or wrong to this, it's a real eternal struggle.


I'm not sure if I've made sense but life is just a fucking beauty contest.
Nonetheless, love yourself because you don't need anyone else.




P/S Unknowingly I just altered your definition of beauty a little by feeding you with mine sorry